Butterfly Wings Will Beat
The other day a friend, who knows a good deal about my back-story, asked me the question, “Do you regret the bad things in your life?”
Back in the fall of 1991 my grandfather died. I had barely known him due to the insanities of his wife, my grandmother. She wanted nothing to do with her daughter’s family. I did have one tie to the old man, and that was through talent. My grandfather was a professional artist (drawing, paint, sculpture) in the San Diego area, and by his death had become rather successful in that field. I was the only descendant of his with any artistic talent.
The problem was that I had never really tried to use that talent. At the time of his death I was in my 4th year of college. I had spent 1 year studying Aerospace Engineering, 1 year at Biochemistry, and a year and a half at Computer Science. None of which offered much of an outlet for artistic talents. After his death I became acutely aware that I had never exercised this gift.
During that time of my life money was short. I tended to rely on Ramen noodles as my primary source of food. Years later I would learn that this was not such a good idea, as that type of diet can lead to malnutrition and that can lead to clinical depression. That is what happened to me.
So here I was felling the effects of depression and the regret of not following my grandfather’s legacy. I decided to leave school (more a case of not caring about it anymore) and try my hand at being a starving artist. I had the starving part down, but the artist part wasn’t working so well. Most of my “professional” artist activities consisted of the occasional silk-screening and very basic graphic design, and for several months I was reduced to homelessness.
One day, while eating lunch with some friends, I overhead someone at the next table mention that she was a model on campus. I turned around and introduced myself, and asked her if she would be willing to model for me sometime. She said yes, and that got us talking about a variety of topics. Before we knew it we had spent eight solid hours just talking.
I realized there was something special about this girl, so on a lark I asked her if she would marry me. Her response was, “Of course!” As if I had asked if the sky was blue. I thought she was joking, but it did not take long to realize she was completely serious… and to my amazement so was I.
Andrea was, to be a little corny, the light of my life. For the first time I felt truly complete, and she helped me pull myself out of the abyss of depression that had been my life for nearly a year. She was upset that I had left school and was always trying to get me to return, going to the length of saying that we could not get married until I graduated.
About nine months after our engagement, after the spring semester, she went home to care for her mother who had just had a brain tumor removed. While at home she was diagnosed with cancer and three months later she died.
I was not a very pleasant person for several months after that. I was afraid that my depression would return, but something very different happened.
One day I experienced an epiphany. At the time I was trying to decide between two belief systems: Christianity and Atheism. It occurred to me that if I was an atheist that I should believe that Andrea was dead, nothing would bring her back, and my grief was doing no good whatsoever. If I was a Christian then I should believe that she was in a far better place and that my grief was nothing but the ultimate expression of selfishness.
Either way it was time for me to grow up and make something of my life. I saved some money and went back to school to finish my B.S. in Computer Science. I then continued to get my M.S. in Computer Science. I had accomplished the goals that Andrea had wanted for me, and I walked out of that era of my life stronger than I ever imaged I could be.
As a slight tangent, the sentiment of grief as selfish showed up, in of all places, the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The original network carrier (WB I think) decided to cancel the show after several seasons, and so at the season finale they killed off Buffy. In the off-season another network picked up the series (UPN I think), but they had this problem of a dead protagonist.
They solved this by having Buffy’s friends perform a ritual that resurrected her. For the first few episodes of the new season Buffy didn’t seem quire right. Her friends noticed that there was something a bit off with her. Eventually it was revealed that Buffy had been in a place of perfect peace, happiness, and love. She had felt warm and comfortable and utterly joyous. Then she was ripped from this paradise into the material world, which she described as “this hell.” She had been rewarded for her sacrifice and hard work, and now that reward had been striped away. And it was her friends who had done this. I considered this to be some of the most interesting and mature writing in a television series that I had ever seen.
Now, overall my life has been exceptionally good. There were a couple years where things were rocky, but I made it through them intact. The loss of Andrea was a major milestone in my life, one that continues to shape the person that I am. But today I am happy.
Let me say that again. Today I am happy. I love myself, and my life. And that brings me to the answer to the question I was asked the other day.
“Do you regret the bad things in your life?”
First, I don’t believe that the “bad things” in my life have been all that bad. Everyone has to deal with the death of loved ones (at least everyone who opens themselves up enough to actually have loved ones). Everyone deals with confusion at some time.
So what is my answer? No. Regret (and thus the desire to change the past) is useless (since I can not change the past). And if I could change the past I would run the risk of changing my life as it stands now. It may change for the better, but if I am happy and content then there seems to be a lot more room to move towards the negative.
If my grandfather had not died, and if I had not suffered depression, I would not have met Andrea. If I had not met her, and known the perfect love of a soul-mate, I would not have grown into the man I am. I possibly would not have returned to school, which led to the life I live now.
The beatings of many butterfly wings have lead to the hurricane that is my life, and I love that hurricane.